Why it’s so hard to stay calm as a parent

how-toconnections
Written By Heather Hankinson

I’m guessing that you follow Big Life Journal. Or some other conscious parenting, calm, mindful, aspirational account.

Ones that teach you how to be less angry and more patient with your kids 🫣

I have an issue with this.

Lucky for you, today I’ve spent the time unpacking why.

Science says some of our happiest moments are those in a ‘flow state’.

To work in our most satisfying ‘flow’ state, we supposedly need to be doing a task that is 4% more difficult than our regular state of work. 

Finding out how on earth that was measured is beyond my care factor, but fact is, it was measured and I’m gonna say it sounds about right to me. 

When I think back to times that I have felt in the ‘zone’ (unsurprisingly, most of these activities were before kids), I can picture myself doing something that I had practiced enough to make it feel natural but I was still having to engage my brain. 

Fast forward to now. 

Last week I was woken up by the question,

“Why does your belly button smell?”

Now, as much as this makes an amusing anecdote in the right context, it was the very first thing I woke up to. 

Is this question 4% harder than any other wake up call? 

No. 

Because it doesn’t even place on any sort of scale. 

 
 

Being woken up by that question is so far off the chart of previous experiences, logic, and practice, that it can’t be registered.

My brain is mid-yawn and suddenly flailing, arms windmilling, grabbing at synapses to save itself falling into the canyon of child-induced-mania.

So when I do get a moment in my day to mindlessly flick through my feed, turns out, I don’t want to see snippets of ‘growth minded parenting advice’.

(Same as when I thought I wanted to follow the cast of Selling Sunset.)

I was 100% wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don’t want to see a post about why my kid needs more connection or when I should apologise.

I know all that stuff already because I’m their mum 👩🏼‍🍼

And you do too.

I know my kid and I know myself and quite frankly, I’m already on my own back enough about that shit. 

Put simply, if you follow a ‘parenting tool’ site then you already have the two tools you need:

  1. You care

    +

  2. You want to do better and believe you can 

    =

    Growth mindset.

You already have it, you idiot 💕. 

Which means because you spend time with your kids, they will have it too.

Open your phone, find those accounts and ask yourself:

  • Am I inspiring myself or comparing myself? 🤔

  • Is this teaching me something new or berating me for something old? 🤓

  • Can all this be summarised as ‘be kind to myself first?’ 🤦🏼‍♀️

Now, go put the kettle on and give yourself a break.

P.S. Apparently it smelt of salt but I still don’t have an answer for why.

 
 
 
Heather Hankinson
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